1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just
pretty much leave me the hell alone.2. The
journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky
tire.
3. It's always darkest just before dawn, so if
you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper that's the time to do it.
4. Sexuality is like the air. (It's not important
unless you're not getting any.)
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be
replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you are unique, just like
everybody else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both
feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try
missing a couple of phone-bill payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk
a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you're a mile
away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is
not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see them
again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to
remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug, some days you are
the windshield.
16. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first
time.
17. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and
a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to
fold it and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like "The Force". It has a light
side and a dark side and holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning if
your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until
just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get
slapped on our ass...Then things get worse.
26. Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and
"mental illness".
28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a
way to take it too seriously.
29. There comes a time when you should stop
expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday.....around
age 11.
30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know
them.